The article begins by pointing out the grim economy we chain-locked ourselves to by voting for President Obama as naive freshmen. What you’ll have to understand, Mr. Stephens, is that we simply had no other option but to vote for Mr. Obama- Jay-Z told us to do it. And yes we do complain about it being tough to find jobs while living with our parents. How do you expect me to focus on being a “productive citizen” when mom is cooking up a delicious casserole in the kitchen and the ice cream truck is incessantly tantalizing me by jingling its way around the block? This isn’t like the old days when you could peacefully do your work, recessing only occasionally for a quick self-indulged match of paddle-pong. Life is hard now. We have to juggle countless relationships throughout several levels of virtual realities. Even when we do engage in emotionally deep conversations with “real girls”, it can be very difficult to divulge the meaning behind their abbreviated text messages. Simply put, life ain’t no game -it’s a combination of several games (admittedly, the advent of HD graphics has added a degree of charm).
The article points out several key facts which we as graduates must know. The first is that we live in a knowledge-based economy. Ok good, if this is the case then all those tests and quizzes will surely come in handy. Wait, nope, wrong again. Turns out the class of 2012 is “probably the least knowledgeable graduating class in history”. Well isn’t that just a kick in the head. How smart does this guy expect us to be? When our days are spent reloading busch light beer bongs to wash down the peanut butter & LSD sandwiches allthewhile venturing through dark realms of MMORPGs, there isn’t much spare time leftover to learn who the president was in 1956, let alone his successor (what exactly is a successor?). But come on man, give us some credit, we learn stuff. I even read a whole book once, and it was written by a doctor (inspiring story about discolored breakfast food, albeit insanely confusing).
Fact Two: our competition is global. Uh, yea, they wouldn’t be called Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games if the competition was strictly local. Wait, nevermind, he appears to be referring to our “careers” again. Ok so maybe I can’t speak another language. Who cares, the best movies are made in english anyways. Besides, I’m having a hard enough time living monolingual as it is. This sentanse alone just took me thirty seven minutes to write as I fumbled around before eventually nailing the correct spelling of each word. If you ask me, other languages simply come across sounding like gibberish, so I doubt we’re missing out on much. Mr. Stephens mentions that these multi-lingual aliens are also likely to waltz into our job market boasting “a degree in a hard science or engineering—skills that transfer easily to the more remunerative jobs in investment banks or global consultancies”. First off, is remunerative even a word? Secondly, I stacked up racks on racks on racks of blue ribbons at my grammar school science fairs, so I think I’ll be just fine in that regard.
Fact Three: our prospective employers can smell BS from miles away. This may be so, but can they see it? I’ve been constructing a plot to take the American way of “Advertisements for Myself” to an unforeseen level. Utilizing the capital earned from my latest student loan, I plan to purchase a billboard, boasting my stern-looking face and the international “thumbs up” signal, several miles away from my prospective employer’s office. If there’s one thing the class of 2012 does, it’s think big. In a world of toxic smog and cloud-computing, puffery is king. At this point in the article, Mr. Stephens’ age truly begins to show. He mentions that the “best of us” don’t boast at all, opting rather to demonstrate an “innate sense of modesty”. Ah Mr. Stephens, you silly old bloke, perhaps you spent too much time drawing graphs in London. If there’s one thing I learned growing up under the influence of Kid Rock and Limp Biscuit, it’s that aggressive arrogance trumps all. “It’s hard to be humble when you’re as great as I am” -I believe it was Floyd “Money” Mayweather who originated that little gem.
Fact Four: There’s always a market for those who can think for themselves. Ok now wait a minute, we clearly demonstrate the acumen for such thinking. There’s a reason that from 2003 to 2005 we all simultaneously donned black shirts, skinny jeans, eye-liner, and un-lit cigarettes snugly tucked behind our left pierced ears. It’s called being original. But at this point the article’s tone begins to change, and things get a bit fishy. It appears Mr. Stephens may have been orchestrating some sort of massive WSJ Online reverse-psychology ploy, perhaps attempting to scare us into using our clearly demonstrated aptitude for original thought as a tool to lead productive lives. I’m all for this method of inspiration, which is exactly why I’m currently putting the finishing touches on a self-published article addressing the third graders of our nation, aptly titled: “Just Wait Until Junior High, You Stupid Assholes”. But let’s be real, our generation simply isn’t capable of this enlightened lifestyle. You said it yourself.
The class of 2012, well, for lack of a learned vocabulary, we suck. This article simply shed light on the obvious. We can’t wake up before dawn eager to put in a hard day’s work, capitalizing on energy as well as imagination. Our stout neglect for memorizing mundane historical facts presents an overwhelming barrier blocking anything minutely resemblant to a successful career. We don’t possess the inquisitive minds necessary to shape the social structure, let alone the economy of the future. And we certainly lack the blossoming expertise, as well as integrity, to lead our nation out from the black hole of national debt bestowed upon us by Mr. Stephens’ generation. I guess this is the end of the road for us. Perhaps after throwing our hats in the air, exercising one last thoughtless act of hooliganism, we’ll just curl over and die.
…Or maybe we’ll simply ignore some irrelevant rambling of cyber opinion and achieve what we know we’re capable of doing anyways. So what the hell, congratulations Class of 2012, you can do anything you want. And Mr. Stephens, on behalf of us all, you can remuneratively go f#&k yourself.